i fuckin hate learning stuff about myself it's so ass
i've been kinda hoping i could just. breeze through with at least a LITTLE bit of... psychosis? whatever the fuck it is that let me ignore the current state of the world for a very long time. surprise! it doesn't work like that
i live in a safe haven state. so at the very least i'm not actively being hunted for sport well, but it's still like. it's not safe to be here. it's not safe for me in this country it's not safe for my family it's not safe for anybody. it fuckin sucks dude!!!!!! i wanna exist!!!!!! i guess i wouldn't be able to write surveillance toxic yuri if not for the fact there's literally a flock camera roughly half a mile from my fucking home that i pass WHENEVER i leave the neighborhood.
not to sound like a fuckin... what's the word? neet? anyways but like my dad keeps getting on my ass about getting a job. i know i need to get one. ESPECIALLY if i'm trying to get out of here. i'm looking into ireland it would be like $25-30k a year for schooling (the program i want only costs 15k and the visa website says you gotta have 10k TO ACCESS on application so roughly 25k a year, plus however much extra) (assuming i live there for... 9 months? 10 months? it's roughly 1k per month on just rent, the rest i can make working IN ireland.) (i chose ireland because i don't speak any other language aside from the most basic spanish and the UK is scary and canada is too close geologically to where i'm trying to escape from)
ok anyways but like. i know i need a job. i know i need to start working. but i'm just so... scared, i guess. that everyone is as evil as they're made out to be. or at least one person is evil enough to make it my problem. well, it would no longer be my problem if they had a problem i suppose. but point stands. what if i get pulled over and i don't look like a man? what if i get deported for being... me? what if all of a sudden someone decides they're going to make my being trans their problem and suddenly i'm dead on the side of the road? idk. i guess that can happen anywhere or whatever.
i just want to be a kid. i never got to be a kid. i never got to be me. i'm learning slowly that actually i'm plural!!!!!! which is awesome!!!!!!! but not right now!!!!!!!! i want to explore this side of me but i can't do it safely because i barely have a support net and the people around me would make fun of me. i'm just a kid. i just want to be a kid.
i guess in the meantime i'm just. alive. working on getting the FUCK out of here. working on fuckin. not doing this shit anymore.
...realistically, i just need 27k (ish) for that first time. then i can work on making that much while i'm in ireland for future years. it's attainable. and hard as shit but attainable.
life doesn't suck. i'm just scared. and i think that's worse.
i found this sample when i was looking for sfx for because you are alive go play it if you haven't and i made breakcore with it. no clue what to do from here LOL. you can't upload audio files to neocities without paying and i don't have the money for that (see literally anything above about how i need to make money) so uhhhhhhh proton drive!!!!!!!
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